Utena's Secret - A songfic
by DynnaChae
Summary: Utada Hikaru and Utena combine to tell a story of Utena's little secret


~*Chikazukitai yo kimi no risou ni.   
Otonashiku narenai.   
Can you keep a secret?*~  
  
If I kept this secret from you, would you forgive me? If I weren't telling you the whole story... you'd understand... right? I gaze into the greenhouse from the glass window. I feel secure with the glass between us. It's preventing me from reaching out and touching you. It's stopping me from holding you still and confessing every single, intricate detail of my love for you. You wouldn't want to hear it. I'm not the prince you're searching for.  
  
~*Koko kara zutto okutteru angou wo  
Kimi wa mada kaidoku dekitenai...  
Come on.  
Tsutaeyou, yameyou  
Kono mama kakasou  
Nige kirenaku naru made  
Shinjiyou, dame da yo  
Mada utagaeso da mono-o-oooh*~  
  
Perhaps if I told you, it would be better. I feel that I'm in, some way, decieving you. It's not like I tell you I *don't* like you. But every single time I duel, I feel like you're asking and I'm not telling you. The glassy look of your eyes struggle to tell secrets of your own but your brain overwhelms your heart and your lips can't form the words. It's ok. We'll both keep secrets for now.  
  
I've decided to turn my back to the glass. You're content in there and I'm content out here. There's no duel tonight. I wanted to walk with you through the rose gardens and talk for hours. The only problem is... everything seems like a secret to you. You barely speak about anything. I can't even ask you about your day without you changing the subject. It's not like I don't know how your day went. It went like mine. I'm starting to think that you'll never do anything on your own. It's got to be bothering you. But if it bothers you so, why do you keep it a secret also?  
  
~*Chikazukitai yo kimi no risou ni.   
Otonashiku narenai.   
Can you keep a secret?  
Kanushikunai yo  
Kimi ga iru kara  
Can you keep a secret?  
Can you keep a secret?*~  
  
What's your past like Himemiya? What's so dreadful back there that you don't even confide in your brother? Have you ever said more than five words to anyone? You're such a mystery. But it's intriguing. I want to respect your privacy and know all your secrets at once. It's my duty as your prince... as... your prince to protect you.  
  
"Utena-sama, I am your bride. I do whatever you wish."  
  
Do you ever say any more than that? You have form, you have life but you have no personality. As if you conceal it from the world for fear of persecution. But you persecute us, Himemiya. You push all of us away when you smile it off.   
  
"It's all right Utena-sama. Let's go home."  
  
No! It's not all right. How come everything's disregarded with you? Don't you trust your prince?  
  
~*Chikazukenai yo  
Kimi no risou ni  
Sugu ni wa kawaranai  
Can you keep a secret?  
Kanashiku naru to  
Kimi wo yobu kara  
Can you keep a secret  
Or kono mama secret?*~  
  
I decided to walk back to the dormitory in silence tonight. You stayed by my side with your normal look of content. You're starting to get on my nerves Himemiya. Because I love you and you won't let me. It's not a matter of finding out what's on your mind anymore. It's about what I can do to ease your mind. If it's not me you desire to talk to, then let it be anyone else. Tell me you want the one person in the farthest reaches of the galaxy and I'll get him. Just so you can confide in him. And if he turns out to be your true prince. Then let it be. I want you to be happy for a change. And not because I told you to, but because you allowed yourself to.  
  
I could've thrown my clothes on the floor like I usually did. But I didn't feel like watching you scramble over to pick them up as if I telepathically ordered you to. If I wanted the clothes moved, I'd move them myself.  
  
"Himemiya! This whole thing is stupid! This whole bride deal. Revolutionize the world for what? For who?"  
  
"For you, Utena-sama"   
  
"No! FOR YOU!"  
  
Anthy just continued to fold my uniform.  
~*Soba ni ite mo  
Toomawashi na hyougen sagashiteru  
Meikyuu iri sasetakunai nara  
Won't you come on  
Kasa ka na mono'oto  
Otte kuru moving shadow  
Furikire naku naru kage  
Sukoshi no bouken wo  
Kizu tsuku yuuki no aru desho wo-o-o-o*~  
  
I've had it. I'm tired of this! I'm so sick of living with the fact that the two of us know nothing of the other. Do you think I'm nosy for asking you how you feel? Is it insulting that I press you so much for the details you severly lack? I place my hand over yours and pull the uniform away with my free hand.   
  
"If I wanted it folded, I'd do it myself."  
  
"It'll wrinkle, Utena-sama. Or would you prefer I iron it in the morning?"  
  
"I don't ever want you to touch it again."  
  
"Yes, Utena-sama"  
  
I frowned. It's as if she knows what she's doing. It doesn't bother her at all.   
  
"I want the sword, Himemiya"  
  
"But... Utena-sama"  
  
"I want the sword, Anthy"  
  
She silent bride clasped her hands then slowly parted them allowing the sword to rise from her chest. She leaned back in my arms as I drew the sword from her chest. I would resolve things now. Now is the time. I promised myself I would never be this extreme, but... damnit!... this is it! I'm not going to be the only one in the dark around here!   
  
Anthy dropped to one knee to compose herself. When she did, she came to her feet to see me with the sword pointed at my own chest.   
  
"I'd do it, you know."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
I turned the sword in to point to my heart. I smiled ever so lightly.   
"I'm curious to know what it's like... to be like you. And have secrets. I want to know what it's like to never know and never care. I want someone that loves me to save me for a change."  
  
Anthy placed her hands over mine. She lowered her eyes.  
  
~*Chikazukenai yo  
Kimi no risou ni  
Otanashiku narenai  
Can you keep a secret?  
Kanashikunai yo  
Kimi ga iru kara  
Can you keep a secret  
Can you keep a secret?  
O-shaberi ja nai to  
Shoumei shite yo  
Can you keep a secret?  
Or kono mama secret?*~  
  
"Please don't do it Utena-sama."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"The world needs a prince..."  
  
I dropped my hands, letting the sword scrape the floor. She has a lot of guts to say the things she says. I can't blame her though. I lowered my head and inhaled deeply. Could I honestly tell her my secret? I'd probably get a stupid reply from her for it. Not like I cared or anything, but I didn't want to talk to the Rose Bride. I wanted to talk to Himemiya.   
  
"Should I prepare some tea?"  
  
I picked my head up quickly and narrowed my eyes at her. Losing all patience in the moment I raised the sword to her throat. I could kill her and save her. That would help, wouldn't it? I would ask her if she wanted me to do it. She'd probably say "yes". Any kind of statement I would've made would deliver a simple, pointless reply on her part. I was starting to feel like I was having a conversation with a redundant brick wall. If that was the case, then I'd knock it down. Perhaps on the other side something... someone worth talking to would be there. She stood there, emotionless as usual as I held the sword to her throat.   
  
"It hurts, doesn't it Utena-sama."  
  
"Everything hurts."  
"What makes it so painful?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, Himemiya, you."  
  
"I'll fix it."  
  
"Don't you dare."  
  
Anthy slid her hand across the sword and gently took it from the hilt. She brushed my hair out of my face and smiled reassuringly.   
  
"I'll bring you some tea, Utena-sama"  
  
~*Ima made zutto  
Himitsu ni shiteta  
Dare ni mo iwanai deCan you keep a secret?  
Kanishikunai yo  
Kimi ga iru kara  
Can you keep a secret?  
Can you keep a secret?*~  
  
This time I followed her into the kitchen. As she fixed the Tea I sat on the counter and watched her every move. I was going to explode, yet, I was calm. I hated myself for loving her sometimes. Sometimes I think it succeeded a passionate love and was more of a maternal love. Fear of her young being endangered. Chuchu dragged a cracker across the counter as I watched Himemiya.  
  
"You're never going to tell me why you have to be the Rose Bride... are you?"  
  
"I don't question it."  
  
"Don't you want to be free?"  
  
"Then who would watch the roses?"  
  
"I give up, Himemiya."  
  
"Perhaps when you tell me your secret... I'll tell you mine, Utena-sama." Anthy smiled and placed the tea cups on a tray. She turned her back and proceeded to the living room where she rested the tray on the table and set them in their designated places.  
I sat there wideeyed. Ok, so I'm not insane. She said what I thought she said. But could I ever tell her? It's so hard to. For both of us. But I'll do it one day. For now, I love you as the Rose Bride and as Himemiya Anthy. I'll revolutionize the world one day and there will be no more secrets between us.   
  
~*Kizu tsukenai to   
Yakusoku shite mo  
Dare ni mo wakaranai  
Can you keep a secret?  
Kanashikunai yo  
Kimi ga iru kara  
Can you keep a secret?  
Or kono mama secret?*~  
  
@--------END  
  
~~~  
I do not own Shoujo Kakumei Utena or any of it's characters.   
I do not own Utada Hikaru (o.O) or her song, Can You Keep a Secret? 


End file.
